<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Never Good Enough by MaddieandChimney</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24200872">Never Good Enough</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney'>MaddieandChimney</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 14:56:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,107</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24200872</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s so easy to forget how fragile she can be at times.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Madney One-Shots</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I want you to be happy... even if its not with me.”</p><p>Chimney looked up from his food, and up at his girlfriend with a confused look on his face, “Huh?” Was all he could get out when he saw the tears in her eyes that she was trying to hold back. All he got in response was a shrug of her shoulders, before she looked down at her plate. </p><p>“Why wouldn’t it be with you?”</p><p>Still no answer. The anxiety was starting to rear its ugly head when he noticed, for the first time that evening, just how tired she looked and how... sad she seemed. It took him only a moment to scrape back his chair, moving quickly to kneel next to her side in time to see the tears finally fall. “Maddie, talk to me, what’s going on?” </p><p>“I just... you don’t seem happy anymore. You used to walk in after work and we could laugh and talk non stop and I could never shut you up at dinner and now... I just don’t seem to make you happy anymore.” </p><p>Shit.</p><p>“No! God, Maddie, no-never. You could never not make me happy.” He messed up, he had gotten too far inside his own head, too caught up with work and the weight of the ring he carried everywhere with him was weighing him down. The more he tried to plan the perfect proposal, it never seemed good enough. It never seemed to be exactly right, he wanted the moment to be perfect. </p><p>Finally, she looked up at him, fear flashing in her eyes for just a second. But he had seen it and he hated himself. “Did I do something wrong?” Traces of Doug always remained, the self-doubt crept in every so often, the insecurity that she could possibly be enough for him. She had spent the vast majority of her adult life trying to be perfect and it was easy to forget sometimes that she was fragile. </p><p>“No, you did nothing wrong - it’s me, I messed up. I was trying to plan something special but it’s all I’ve been focused on the last few weeks isn’t it? I’ve been stressing myself out over something that I wanted you to remember for the rest of our lives together and, I messed up.” </p><p>She sniffed, wiping the tears away, her head tilted as she looked at him, “Oh, what is it?” He shook his head and let out a small laugh, standing up only to bend down to look her in the eyes, a hand falling gently on either side of her face. </p><p>“This is not the moment I want you to remember but I promise, you make me happy. You make me beyond happy and you’ll find out soon, okay? This isn’t how I want to remember this moment.” He hated the fact he was responsible for her crying, for her thinking he didn’t want this. When really, it was all he ever wanted.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Anxiety</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Maddie expresses her insecurities aloud to Howie.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The idea of perfect was something embedded into her long before she had met Doug. The constant desire to be seen as good enough in his eyes just for a moment, just so he wouldn’t hurt her, was still an internal struggle she fought against most days. </p><p>When her boyfriend rambled on about work to break the silence, she didn’t look up at him, only shifting uncomfortably from where she had sat on the edge of the bed. The past few weeks she had felt the anxiety bubble inside of her, growing with every passing day. The way he only quickly kissed her cheek before he left every day, how he offered her a small smile here and there, the awkward conversations they shared when they were home together. How he hadn’t touched her in eight days and how four nights ago, he had turned his back to her when they had gotten into bed. He always held her. </p><p>The more she allowed herself to think about it, the more things she noticed and it quickly manifested into she must have done something wrong. There was no other explanation - Howie wouldn’t just act this way if she hadn’t done something. Her days were spent trying to go over all the things she could have done wrong - perhaps he had noticed she overcooked the pasta the other night or he was angry she had used all the hot water one morning. She hadn’t cleaned the mess she made in the kitchen, she had spilt coffee on his rug. </p><p>The more she thought of all the possibilities, maybe Doug was right - maybe she was the problem. </p><p>“Where is your head at right now?” He was in front of her, she hadn’t seen him get there, the last time she had heard him speak he was getting changed at the closet. Now he was bent in front of her, his hands on her knees, trying to get her attention. She could see the guilt in his eyes and a part of her wondered how she could make it up to him, how she could appease him. </p><p>“I’m scared.” She finally whispered, “I can’t imagine my life without you in it. You’re so important to me, you are such a big part of my life, that I just... I can’t imagine you not here.” Her hands shook and her voice quivered, a lone tear slipping down her cheek, one that Howie quickly kissed away with a sigh. </p><p>“And that’s how it’s felt the past few weeks... every day worse, like you’re not here. And of course, I go straight to the place of wondering where I went wrong, what I could have done better... and I wish I could just be normal. But sometimes, all I can think is how can someone like you love someone like me? And then you act like you did and of course, it all makes sense because...” </p><p>The panic was rising, her chest was tightening and she had to take a deep breath between sentences. He stopped her from rambling by pressing his lips to hers, only for a second, long enough to force her into silence. “You’re good enough, you’re enough. I don’t want perfect,” She flinched and he knew she hated that word, it had been her entire world since she was nineteen. “I just want you to be you. I want to keep reminding you to use coasters and I love the way you laugh so hard you end up spilling whatever you’re holding... I love everything about you, Maddie. The good and the bad, the normal and the screwed up stuff. You are enough.”</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>